“Checkmate.” That made six
games in a row that I’d won, and I felt a smug expression make its way onto my
face. What the hell, I was due a little self-congratulation. The first
game, Nick had mistakenly tried to ‘go easy’ on me. That one lasted maybe
half an hour. After that, he made a more concerted effort, but I wasn’t
about to let him get a win in. * Not a chance in hell, pal. * Normally I wasn’t this…brutal, but this was
payback. Pure and simple. Failure was not
an option, and so I was a lot harder on him than I might have been had he not
been such an asshole the past few days. He’d probably never play chess
with me again, but it was a risk I was more than willing to take.
I’d first learned to play against Joey, on the ship. I remember watching
him teach Knives how to play, and then lose repeatedly after the first
game. So I decided to give him a new pupil. I was smart enough to
realize that asking Knives to teach me anything was a Bad Idea. Joey, I
could at least learn from while losing. I’d eventually gained quite a bit
of skill, or so I’d thought. That had changed when Millie had challenged
me on one particularly boring bus trip. Heh,
I’d made the same mistake of ‘going easy’ on her that Nick had tried to pull
with me, and as a result, Meryl had gloated for days. Millie’d
beaten me in four moves that first game. She then proceeded to teach me
the ‘proper’ way to play chess. I’d apparently been doing it wrong all
these years.
It was that same “Four-Move Checkmate” that I’d just used to beat Nick.
Against a more experienced player, it would have taken some major chutzpah to
pull off, as well as more than the stated four moves because it involved
sacrificing one’s queen. If you miscalculated, you were screwed.
But against Nick, it worked just the way Millie had showed me it would.
In less than 15 minutes, I had him staring at the board in disbelief. Go
me. The little crowd of onlookers clapped and congratulated me, and one
even offered to give us free refills on our coffee. Well, on Nick’s
coffee, anyways. He’d made the most God-awful face when a cup of the
stuff was put in front of him, but after a few sips, he shrugged, and lit a
cigarette. I guess after you’ve smoked for as long as Nick probably has,
taste is no longer relevant. I think his main problem with coffee was
what it would do to his ‘image.’ Me, I am all about taste. Given
the limited selection of what I could actually eat, taste was a very important
thing for me.
Knives and I had had many unpleasant encounters at what passed for dinnertime
on the ship until Rem figured out that we couldn’t
process meat. Steve had called us ‘sissies’ for not being able to eat
what was, apparently, a manly food, but then Rem had
introduced us to tater tots. Now there was good eating. All crisp
and golden on the outside, and soft white goodness on the inside. And
dipped in ketchup? Heavenly. Sadly, the
Wit’s End did not have tater tots. In fact, most of their cuisine seemed
to consist of snack foods. I’d made the mistake of buying one such snacky item called “Brain Food.” On the menu, it had
shown what looked like chocolate covered raisins, but they turned out to be
chocolate covered coffee beans. Talk about a rush. And Nick had
eaten most of them. Why he wasn’t vibrating in his seat by now was one of
life’s unsolved mysteries.
“How d’ya like that?”
I grinned, dangling his king between my fingers. He frowned in mock
annoyance. Or perhaps it was real annoyance; with him, it was hard to
tell. He was one of the few people I’d never been able to read
easily. Well, before last night anyways. Millie was another one.
Meryl’s feelings, however, came boiling off of her
like scalding water, which was another reason why I didn’t like being around
her. But Nick never let anything slip if he could help it. Thinking back
to last night, I mused that it was probably because of that massive wall he’d
erected around his mind. Which also explained part of why I liked being
around him; it was nice to not be constantly bombarded by antagonistic feelings
not my own. But Nick never gave me any indication that he liked having me around.
“I don’t, particularly. I would have preferred if this game had lasted
more than fifteen minutes.” He glared at the board again, as though it
had personally betrayed him.
“It probably wouldn’t help if I told you that Millie taught me that move, would
it?” I asked him, and he transferred his glare from the board to me. * Heh, you should have looked
before you swiped my queen. Then you wouldn’t be in this position. * Some of our onlookers had attempted to help him out a
little during one of our games, but Nick didn’t like being helped by what he
termed ‘punk kids.’ Again, it must have been the whole image thing.
A grown man accepting chess tips from kids. It had to be a tad
humiliating, but no less so than my constant trouncing by Millie had
been.
“Well, if you’re going to continue to gloat like that, the least you
could do is buy me dinner.” Dinner? I
mulled that over. I suppose it was
only fair, in a skewed sort of way. After all, I’d basically beaten the
shit out him in front of an audience, which was much more humbling than merely
doing it in private. Truth to tell, I felt kinda
bad now about the brutality of my wins, once everything was said and
done. Taking him out to dinner was a small price to pay.
“Spaghetti?” I asked. I’d seen him eating
it before, on a couple of occasions, so there was a good chance that it was a
food he liked. * Hmm, come to think of it, that was what he was eating
today in the hotel. * I didn’t know if he’d go
for it twice in one day, but the place I had in mind could make spaghetti
unrivaled anywhere in the known world. Or at least, that was what I’d
been told. When I’d gone down to check out earlier, I had asked the desk
clerk, a young man by the name of Donato, if he knew
of any good places to eat. Actually, I had asked for places that served
good spaghetti, which had me wondering if I hadn’t planned this
subconsciously. Donato had recommended one
restaurant in particular with glowing praises. ‘You want the best pasta, then you go to Cosimo and
Susie’s. They’re my grandparents,’ he’d proclaimed proudly, thumping a
fist against his chest. ‘They do things right.’
Following his directions, I had found the little restaurant sandwiched in
between two other buildings, both apparently owned by more of Donato’s numerous family members. They owned a lot of
little businesses here, among…other things. His directions had ended up
turning into a brief genealogy lesson on The Family, as he put it, and their connections in Little Jersey. I also got
a rundown of the problems they’d been having, which from the sounds of things
were heating up after years of relative peace. I made a mental note to
try and avoid Little Jersey for the time being.
Once I’d gotten to the restaurant, all I had to do was say that Donato sent me and I was given reservations for two.
It was a little unnerving, to say the least. I hadn’t expected it to be
quite that easy. Unnerving also was Cosimo
himself. He had seemed like a rather harmless older gentleman on the
surface, but he had a very shrewd look in his dark eyes as he gave me a once-over. I had a feeling he knew who I was, but
rather than panicking and causing a scene, he was willing to give me the
benefit of the doubt that I wasn’t going to be making trouble in his
restaurant. And if I did, he’d be prepared for it. The tommy gun under his apron had been
proof enough of that.
Nick perked up at the mention of spaghetti. Apparently he didn’t mind
eating it twice in one day. Considering what he normally ate, this was
probably a luxury for him. I’d tried getting him to eat more nutritious
things during our stay here, but the sad fact of the matter was that Nick
couldn’t afford to eat healthy.
Meal blocks were relatively inexpensive and lasted for ages, and in a desert
world, wine was cheaper than water. Three square meals a day was unheard
of for a drifter who depended on the goodness of other’s hearts.
“Sure. Sounds good. Lead the way!”
As we came up on the restaurant, Nick let out a low whistle, and I
smiled. Cosimo and Susie’s Italian Eatery was,
without a doubt, a pretty classy place. A place you’d take someone
special. I stopped just outside the doors. In fact, it was a place
you’d take a…
“You have enough money for this?” Nick whispered in my ear, and I almost
shuddered, whatever I’d been thinking lost in a ripple of heat. Now was not the time for that particular
weakness to be exposed. I’d discovered it the other night, during the Bed
Incident. While Nick had been scooched up
behind me, he’d begun breathing through his mouth instead of his nose, and his
breath kept hitting my ear. It was warm, and almost ticklish, but…it made
me tingle, all over. I’d never
had that happen to me before, never reacted quite so strongly to something as
simple as someone’s breath in my ear. And boy, did I ever react to
it. And in my position that had not been a good thing.
It had taken me quite a while to calm down to the point where sleep was even
possible. God…I closed my eyes and fought to keep standing, a slight
blush creeping across my cheeks that I prayed he hadn’t noticed. What had
he been asking about?
Oh yeah, that’s right. Money. I’d been
pretty careful with the veritable fortune that Julian and Moore had so
grandiosely refused, but with the way I’d been throwing it around on booze and
property damage lately, it wasn’t going to last much longer. However, I
had more than enough to splurge on this. I waved a hand in his face, if
for nothing else than to get his distracting breath away from my ear, and
managed a casual, “Sure, sure. Don’t sweat it.” If it was breathier
than my normal tone, Nick didn’t comment.
We went inside the dimly lit restaurant. It was one of the things I’d
liked about the place; it had atmosphere. Candles provided the only
light, and each table had a tall red taper candle set in a wine flask. It
was almost too quaint for words. The décor consisted of a series of
murals of what appeared to be Little Jersey along the walls, interspersed with
posters of singers here and there. * Makes sense. The singers are
probably other ‘distant’ relatives. * Susie
herself, a graying lady who from appearances had been quite a beauty in her
youth, came to seat us in a corner table. I couldn’t help but notice how
far we were from the door, or the rest of the dining area, for that
matter. Made me a tad nervous, especially with the looks she kept
throwing my way, and I had to keep myself from fingering my gun. Once
again, I got that feeling that she knew who I was, but was saving the
information for when it would be of most use.
Susie handed us the wine list, and I was pleasantly surprised by both the
quality and the selection. They had some good years on here. I
smiled. It’s kind of funny to realize that you’re older than everything
on the wine list. I pointed out a few exceptional choices, and let Nick
decide. He looked a little bewildered at being the one to have to choose,
but after much deliberation (read: whining) he eventually settled on the ’98
“Nice place, huh?” I asked, hoping to spark at least some form of
conversation, however pointless.
“Yeah. It really is. How’d you find it?”
he asked. He was actually interested in what I had to say?
Wow. I took a deep breath. This would take some time to explain.
“Well, see, while you were still asleep, I went down to the desk, and told the
desk clerk I was going to check out early because I wanted to throw the girls
off if they came down looking for me, and while I was there, I started talking
to him. His name’s Donato, really nice guy, big
family. I asked him if he knew of any good places to eat, well, no,
actually, I didn’t ask him that, I asked him if he knew of any places that had
good pasta, cuz I remembered that you seemed to like
it.” I sucked in a swift breath; I hadn’t meant to say that. I
looked over at him nervously, but he just nodded absently, so I quickly wrapped
up my story before anything else came blathering out. “And then he told
me that his grandparents owned a place called Cosimo
and Susie’s Italian Eatery. Spaghetti to die for, and
all that. So I checked it out, and it seemed like a good place, so
here we are.” I finished.
“Uh huh,” he said, in a vague tone of voice. I looked hard at him, and
judging from the glazed look in his eyes he probably hadn’t heard a damn thing
I said. * I should have known his sudden interest was too good to be
true. * Just to test the theory, I threw out
another sentence.
“And then you decided to go dance in the center square buck naked, doing a
rousing rendition of ‘American Woman.’”
“Sure, sure, of course.” Another
bob of the head.
“And then you tried to kiss a tomas.”
“Uh huh, interesting.” There was a snicker from
somewhere behind me. At least someone
was paying attention. I began drumming my fingers on the table out of
sheer frustration. I was beginning to run out of inane anecdotes.
“And then I caught Meryl and Millie in your room…”
His head snapped up. * Finally! * He
glared at me, and I glared right back. “You haven’t been listening to a
word I’ve said, have you?”
“Well…” * Oh, don’t you even lie. * “No. Is that a crime?”
“Well…yes! If you wanted some time to think, all you had to do was ask,
instead of letting me prattle on like an idiot.” And oh, had I prattled
on. It’s probably a good thing he hadn’t
been paying attention after all, or he would have caught on to my little
admission. I mean, I guess it wasn’t that big of a deal; after all, I’d
only been trying to find a place he’d like to eat at. But with Nick, one never
knew when one was toeing a line of some sort.
“It’s not like you wouldn’t ‘prattle on’ anyways, I was just giving you a
chance. Yeesh, you’d think this was a date or
something.” My eyes widened. Crap. Was this a date? I stuttered a little, before coming up with
a suitable, and safe, retort.
“And what if it is?” I snapped,
a tad defensively. Always answer a question with another question. Although, it hadn’t really been a question…
“Then we’re both in trouble,” he muttered, and looked down at the table.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, worried now. We were both in trouble? What in the seven hells had he meant by
that? I mean, even if this was
a date, it was just a date.
What in the world or out of it could possibly be so bad about that? I
knew he wouldn’t tell me why, but I felt I had to ask anyways.
“Uhm, nothing.
Everything’s fine.” he said quickly. A little too
quickly. He looked up and grinned at me, but as our eyes caught,
it was like…like looking into a mirror. * He shouldn’t have to be like
that. I wish…that I could make him smile for real. That he could
relax; let down that formidable wall he’s had to build. And I wish…that
he’d do it for me. * The wistful thought brought an equally wistful
smile to my face as I watched him in the candlelight. We stared at each
other; maybe for ten minutes, maybe for an hour. For a brief moment in
that endless stretch of time, though, a hint of the same wistfulness seemed to
reflect itself in his eyes, and his face almost softened into a smile.
He licked his lips, and a flicker of desire lit somewhere low in my body.
* Oh, my… * It wasn’t the first time this had
happened around him, and it wouldn’t be the last. Before, though, I’d
always been content to just enjoy him from a distance, resigned to the fact
that I was the only one of the two of us that felt that way. Now, with
last night still fresh in my mind, I was beginning to wonder what it would be
like to kiss those lips, feel those large callused hands of his trace their way
down my body and… Nick blinked, and started fumbling around for a
cigarette. I wanted to swear. Or laugh. Or cry. Maybe all three at once. He lit up, and with a few
puffs yet another wall was erected between us. * Loud and clear,
Nick. Signal received, loud and clear. *
Frustration welled up, and I bit off a snarl trying to force its way out of my
throat. I didn’t know what to do. It’s not like I was an expert on
how to seduce anyone, let alone another man, and…since when had I begun
contemplating seducing him? It
had just…sorta snuck up on me I guess. Five
days of watching him drink himself into a stupor and helping him recover
weren’t the greatest basis for a relationship, but there was more to it than
that. We’d fought together against the machines, triumphed over injustice
in the Quickdraw Tournament, and helped two
star-crossed lovers make their escape into the desert. And then there was
last night…and now I’d even taken him out on a date. Did normal people do
things this fast? But since when have either of
us ever been considered normal, really? And even though things were
moving really quickly, by whatever standards, I had the feeling that it was
because I didn’t have a lot of time in which to do it. Whatever
‘it’ was. Urgh. This was all so damn complicated! Did we even
have anything in common besides our travels and chess? I may have joked
about Nick’s seeming lack of hobbies, but I wasn’t much better off. I
could shoot things. And run like hell if need be. And hide. I
had gotten very good at hiding. So that was three things. Nick was
a good shot too. I could personally attest that he was magnificent at the
running bit, since he was always running away from me. And he was hiding
right now, behind that wall of smoke.
It was almost eerie, watching him through it. I’d never known what fog
was when I read about it, but I imagine now that it must have looked something
like this, all white-gray and shifting, lending an ethereal feel to the
moment. It gave Nick’s features an almost delicate cast, softening the
harsh tones of his skin. And his eyes…God save me from his eyes. I
knew I was staring again, but there weren’t very many people here, and I didn’t
really care at the moment. I watched the cigarette lift to his mouth, the
end glowing brighter as he sucked in a mouthful of smoke and let it out through
pursed lips. The smoke swirled through the air, curling in and around
itself like a transparent snake. I wrinkled my nose as some of it drifted
my way, and I blew it back to join the rest. * Your wall’s defecting,
Nick. * I smiled in amusement at the whimsical thought.
Susie interrupted my contemplation by arriving with the wine. She gave me
an inquisitive look. I looked at her, tilted my head slightly in Nick’s
direction and shrugged, and she rolled her eyes and mouthed, “Men.” I bit
back a laugh as she expertly filled our two glasses.
“Are youse guys ‘bout ready to order?” She had a
curious accent, one that I was tempted to copy. It would be fun saying ‘youse guys’ to Meryl and
Millie.
“Uhm, yeah.” Food
would be good. “A large platter of spaghetti, please.
Extra sauce.”
“Shore thing, sweetheart.” She winked at me,
threw a mock glare at Nick, and headed off to the kitchen with the order.
Nick put out the stub of the cigarette and lit another one. All without a word or a wayward glance in my direction.
Just another drag on his cigarette, sending another swirl of smoke into the air
to mix with the dissipating remains of the last exhalation. I sat there,
sipping my wine and watching him smoke, because there was nothing I could do
about it, and for once, there was nothing I could say. Eventually, I saw
the kitchen doors swing open out of the corner of my eye, and looked over at
Nick.
“Um, you might want to put out your smoke,” I said cautiously. Far be it
from me to interrupt the Holy Ritual, but…he was on his third. And it had
only been twenty minutes. I wasn’t sure if I should take it as a
compliment or an insult that he always seemed to smoke more around me.
Knowing him, it was probably both. “I think dinner’s here,” I continued,
pointing as Susie came over to our table with the biggest plate of spaghetti
I’d ever seen. It was drenched in tomato sauce, just like I’d requested,
and there was even what looked to be garlic bread. Excellent.
Nick looked up, and immediately put out his cigarette, eyes lighting up at the
sight of the food. I moved the wine and glasses out of the way, and she
set the plate down in the center of the table. She also gave us two
smaller plates, for us to dish out our own portions. Personally, I would
have loved to just do a faceplant and have at it, but
this was a classy place. I grinned at the image, and dug in.
The hell with sex and all its complications, I’ll take food any day. This food, in particular. If it was possible to have
an orgasm from food alone, the spaghetti at Cosimo
and Susie’s would have done it. And I speak from many years of consumer
experience here. The noodles were done al dente, which is hard to and do right. And the sauce! Never have I tasted such
magnificent sauce. It was a beautiful merging of herbs and tomatoes, with
enough garlic to give it flavor but not overpower the rest. Sweet without being too sweet. It was, in a word,
perfect.
Between the two of us, we polished off the whole damn plate, along with all the
garlic bread and the entire bottle of wine. Mmm, mmm,
mmm. I didn’t even care that there was
no conversation during the meal; I was too busy eating. It’s a good thing
for Nick that I eat spaghetti a lot slower than I eat doughnuts, or he would
have been out of luck. As it is, I still managed to put away more than he
did. Take that. Nick leaned back in his chair, taking the last sip
of wine from his glass.
“This place is fantastic.” He patted his stomach, and attempted to hold
back a burp. I snickered.
“Nice.” * Gosh Nick, where are
your manners? *
“What?” He asked exasperatedly. “I’d like to see you do
better.”
“And if I do?” I raised an eyebrow.
“If you can win a belching contest against me, I’ll
buy dinner next time.” * Getting bold, are we? That’s twice now
today that he’s challenged me to something, AND he bet on the outcome.
What’s he trying to prove? * I narrowed my eyes
and smirked. * And just what had he meant by ‘next time’? Was he going to
take me on a date? *
“You’re on,” I said.
“The only rule is you can’t use beer. You still in?” As if there was any doubt.
“Have you EVER seen me back out of a challenge?” I asked him,
eyebrow raised.
“Well, then, shall we?” He got up and made a beeline for the door.
I almost dashed after him, but remembered that it’s usually a good idea to pay
for one’s food. Especially in this place. I did
not want to wake up to find a bleeding tomas head in
my bed. After paying the bill and leaving a 40% tip, I followed.
Yes, the food was that damned good.
Once outside, I caught up to Nick, who immediately let rip a fairly decent
burp. Although, if that was all he had, this was going to be an easy
win. Nick grinned, and looked at me expectantly. I considered it
for a moment. It had potential, but it lacked the necessary volume, and
the length was almost nonexistent.
“Eh...I’d give it about a...five,” I pronounced. And
that was being generous.
“A five?” He squawked
indignantly. “What the hell kind of scale are you measuring by?”
“Well, it’s a scale from one to ten, with one being a Millie, a polite little
air biscuit, and a ten-” I paused, remembering the night I’d picked the
end of this particular scale.
“Yeah?”
“Well, ten being when I witnessed Meryl out-belch
every man in the bar when I couldn’t pay all of my
tab.” That had been embarrassing. “She actually managed to knock a
few bottles off the counter with just the sheer force of one. For such a
tiny thing, she sure has good lungs.” I grinned, and Nick blinked a few
times, awe spreading across his face as he no doubt tried to envision the scene
I’d just described. He burst out laughing, and I followed suit. It had been pretty damn funny to see all
those hulking men bowing to little Meryl. Then,
“Oh, come on. It was at least a seven.” Poor Nick, his pride
had taken such a beating today. Oh well.
“No. This
is a seven.” With that, I let loose with one I’d been saving. The
sound of it echoed in the street, bouncing off the buildings like a cannon
shot. “Top that.”
“Alright. Gimme a minute.” He sucked in mouthful after mouthful of
air, a look of grim determination on his face. The resulting eruption was
impressive. It had volume, and a decent duration. Still not Meryl-caliber, but…it was better than anything I could come
up with on short notice.
“Uhm, wow.
I think...I think you win.”
“Ha. Eat that, chess champ!” I frowned a
little. He may have won, but damned if I was going to let him keep that
smug look on his face.
“It’s not exactly something to be proud of, but whatever works.” I
shrugged nonchalantly.
“Fine. Be that way about
it. Sore loser.” He was probably right
about that. It was rare that I
lost at anything, and I should have just tried to accept defeat gracefully, but
I couldn’t keep myself from taunting him further.
“Aww…poor baby. Did I
hurt your widdle ego?” I cooed at him, hoping
this would get a rise out of him. His eyes bulged, and his nostrils
flared.
“My ego? My widdle ego? I’ll show you ‘widdle’, you broom-headed buffoon!” He came at me in
a headlong rush, catching me around the waist and propelling the both of us to
the ground. I landed hard on my back, rocking back on my elbows, eyes
wide. I’d gotten a little bit more than I was expecting, there.
Nick was sprawled on top of me, and I stared up at him. I could feel my
insides churning wildly after that move, but before I could either snap off a
smart remark about ‘showing’ me ‘widdle,’ * Is that what he named it or something? * or
warn him to get the hell out of the way, he got up in my face, half-yelling,
“Don’t you mean to tell me, ‘that was a great belch I wish I could do something
like that?’ Isn’t that what you meant to say?”
It would have been
intimidating if I hadn’t outbelched him right then at point-blank range.
Nick swore, and scrambled to get away from me, his eyes watering as his hands
moved to ward off the nasty stench that accompanied the burp. Fuck, that had burned
coming up.
“Uhm.
Oops? I’m…sorry? You sure showed me?” I looked up sheepishly
at him. * It was his own damned fault. If he hadn’t tried to rub it in…*
“Don’t make it worse. I guess that makes you the belch
champ, too.” I wrinkled my nose.
“I still maintain it’s not something to be proud of.
And the title still belongs to Meryl, by the way.”
“Wow.” He sat back up. I chuckled.
“Yeah. You’ve never heard a belch until you’ve
heard Meryl belch. But that’s nothing compared
to the way she farts!” I laughed. Nick stared at me. * What?
*
“That…was disgusting!” He took a swipe at my head, and
I ducked back, feeling his hand pass through the air in front of me. Then
I rocked forward, rolling into a crouch and springing at him. I knocked
him on his back and perched on his stomach, hands on either side of his head
and grinning down at him. Nick went absolutely still. So still, I
couldn’t feel him breathe anymore, which is what prompted me to lean closer and
ask if he was all right. A flurry of thought/emotion assaulted my mind…
+So close.+
“you wanna KISS me?”
“Yeah. Yeah I do.”
+Yeah, I do.+
Before I could think, before I could do anything, I was being yanked down,
into…a kiss? This was…Nick was kissing
me?
+“Soft. So soft.”+ His words from the other night echoed in my head as
his lips pressed insistently against mine. I was still frozen above him,
eyes wide in surprise and shock. Nick
was kissing me. One hand was
fisted in my coat, and the other moved across my back, pressing me close
against him. I gasped as fire curled through my veins, but before I could
do more than that, his eyes shot open and a thought thundered across.
+WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?+ The fire
turned to ice.
* But I wasn’t…you just…it was my first kiss… * He shoved me off
him, eyes wide with horror. I landed in a crumpled heap, too shocked to
do anything but just sit there.
* How many rejections does that make now? I’ve lost count. *
My hand rose shakily to my mouth. * My first kiss… * Tears
burned in my eyes, then slid silently down my cheeks to plop on my splayed
legs. Nick got to his feet and pulled another damned cigarette out of his
pocket. My chest felt tight, so wracked with pain that it was hard to
breathe, and I wanted to claw my heart out from behind its restricting grate
just to put an end to this never-ending torture.
* Stupid…this is the last time. I cannot take this anymore. *
The pain welled up inside until I felt like screaming myself hoarse. In
despair, I lifted my head to the stars and instead of screaming I began calling,
the only way I knew how, for Rem. The only person who had really loved me. * Maybe this
time, she’ll hear her song… * I was so lonely…
“So~o,” my voice wavered on the high note, raw just
from the need to scream, “On the first evening a pebble, falling somewhere out
of nowhere drops upon a dreaming wo~orld…”
Any time the sheer loneliness of my existence overwhelmed me, I’d sing the song
she taught me so long ago. I’d open my mind, just a tiny bit, and try to
find her, catch some fragment of her that I could keep. It was stupid and
futile; she was long since gone, but it had become a ritual. Something to comfort me on long nights out in the desert.
But it wasn’t enough anymore. It had never been enough, but I’d blinded myself into believing it was an
acceptable substitute for love.
* I’ve been rejected so many times, Rem. Too many times. * But no
more.
“So~o, on the second evening…”
* Rem, take me home. *
I dropped my shields the rest of the way and flung my plea into the
stars. * Oh Rem, please… *
“What…what’s that song?” Nick interrupted softly. I let the echoes
of the song die out. I wanted to follow, fading into nothingness along
with those last mournful notes, but Nick had asked me a question and I couldn’t not answer. In that moment, I could not
deny him the truth, and that burned. Even after everything, after all the
secrets, the lies, the hurt and the frustration, it hadn’t changed the way I
felt…but it no longer mattered what I felt.
* What’s that song? * I echoed in my head. * It was so many things, but
above all… *
“It was…Her song,” I replied distantly. “It’s a good song.”
I remembered Kaite’s indignant tone at being caught
singing, and smiled faintly through my tears. There had been so many
bright points in my life; it almost overcame the darker spots. Almost. I drifted through my memories, completely
forgetting that I was still wide open, until -
+I wonder who she was.+
* What? That wasn’t me, that was…oh shit.
I’ve gone and done it now… * Frantically, I
tried to close myself off again, but a burst of sorrow flooded in, swamping my
efforts to pull my shields back into place, followed by a helpless kind of
anger. It burned its way in,
+…never good enough…+ touching on my loneliness and fanning the feelings
behind it into...
+…had enough.+ …rage. I squeezed my eyes
shut, more tears spilling down my cheeks. I couldn’t let this happen, I
wasn’t mad at Nick. Not really. * But you want to be, * that
insidious voice whispered in my head, and I couldn’t deny it. I wanted so
badly to blame him for this, but he was only the latest in a long line of
rejections. It was just…he was the only person I’d kept going
after. When I was with him, the pain of life faded into background
noise.
* Why did it have to be you? Why are you the only one who’s worth
everything to me? * I maneuvered onto my knees
and got to my feet, hands clenching into fists as outraged anger poured through
me, fresh and thick.
+Don’t lie!+ Nick again. I looked up to
see him glaring at me, and our eyes caught. And held.
* Fuck. * Horrified, I tried to look away, but I was well and truly
trapped now. And he was pissed.
+ Vash digging in my mind?!?+
“What the HELL were you doing?” he snarled at me, and another wave
surged through, this one closer to righteous fury, and white-hot in its
intensity. * Oh dammit, what the fuck IS that thing? * I tried to
block it, but it slammed into me with the force of a hurricane, hard enough to
physically knock me backwards onto the ground again, as well as destroy my
hasty attempt to stop it. As my outer shields gave way, though, I felt
something deep down inside respond.
* Oh God no, not again…*
“What have you done?” I cried, eyes stinging
from tears and my inability to even blink. I could feel all my resentment
and pain coming to the surface, eating at my control. My vision went
blurry, eye muscles spasming, and then suddenly…From
the horrified gasp I heard I knew that my eyes had started to glow. It
had happened once before, with Monev the Gale. The utter rage coursing through me, urging me to violence.
To vengeance. Only, this time, it wasn’t my anger alone spurring me. If I’d
had even a month longer to recover from the awakening I’d undergone against Monev, I could have prevented this from happening,
prevented this haze being cast over
my mind. But Nick’s rage had slammed through my shields one by one, each
giving way till his rage smacked into my own rage, a bottomless well of it that
I’d slapped a barrier over, a barrier that was now obliterated. It roared
up from the very depths of my soul, the frightening rage of a child whose life
has spiraled out of his control combined with over a century of bitterness and
self-loathing. But as we stared at each other, I felt his anger shift,
changing into fear, of -
+…what Vash might do to
“Let…let me go!” I screamed. “I…I can’t…” If I had to feel his fear any
longer I was going to go insane, or explode, whichever came first. I rose
to my knees again and forced my hands into my hair. I’d been clenching my
hands so tight I could feel my nails cutting through the leather of my
gloves. +You’re trapped…in here?
Oh sweet angry Jesus…+ I heard him ask in
disbelief, and then he finally closed his eyes. I was finally able to
draw back, away from the fear and away from the anger. But
not all of it. I could still feel it churning through me.
What we had started was nowhere near finished. * Why, why, why…why now?
*
“What the fuck was that?” Nick spat, his voice coming from across the
street, somewhere off to my right.
“N-nothing I intended,” I mumbled, wondering how the hell this had all
happened. Nick began ranting, but I didn’t hear it. * All I’d
wanted to do was find her… *
“Rem…” I muttered. “I thought it was okay… I
thought I could…could…’cause it’s safe, ‘cause you’re
gone…” I frowned. That couldn’t be right. Rem
would never have left me. “You’re gone? You’re dead…he KILLED
you! I’M GONNA KILL HIM! KNIVES!!!”
Rage that turned to pure power surged up against my tentative hold on it,
leaking out around the weakening edges. It wouldn’t discriminate.
It would lash out in all directions in its search for a target, any target, and
I was hard pressed to hold it back.
* Why was I even trying…I forget why…* I thought distantly, as my grip on it
gave a little more. * Why should I care what happens? Let it end
here… * There was a problem with this, but I
couldn’t quite…
“Vash!
Vash!” Nick’s
frantic voice yelling my name broke into my scattered thoughts. I turned
my glowing gaze towards him. “Please, Vash…Please...Come
back.” * Why? If I’m gone, then you’ll be safe. *
A memory from last night glimmered in my brain, like a falling
star. “Because you’re beautiful.”
* Shit. * The frayed edges of my control
cracked again, and I could feel the power preparing for another surge.
The ground rumbled, sending a small flock of roosting birds into the air.
It was already beginning to affect the surrounding area, and that meant I was
close to losing it for good. It was going to break out, and take down
everything in its path. I felt it flow down my right arm, but it couldn’t
get out that way, not without…something else. My mind flashed to the
remains of July, * my fault * and I had the sickening feeling that this would
be worse. And even if it did…if I…it would take Nick with me, and that
just would not do.
I did my best to block off whatever connection had formed
between us. It might not save him entirely from the backlash, but with
any luck he’d survive it, at least. I formed another channel around the
remains of the barrier, and looped it back into my mind. The flow to the
outside lessened immediately, and I felt the power begin to suck back inside
me. Then I dropped what remained of my own shields, bringing them down on
myself in hopes of keeping it contained. The only problem with this was
that I would likely implode as it kept cycling through, faster and faster…I
started to shake. * Goodbye, Nick. *
“NO!” Nick yelled, suddenly there,
in front of me. He grabbed a hold of my coat and yanked me into his
arms. I felt the larger channel I’d built collapse under the strain of
trying to hold up my fallen shields, and power flooded my body. I drew in
a deep breath, bracing myself for an explosion, and caught the hint of tobacco
in the air from Nick’s cigarette. The power swirled and shifted like the
smoke I’d just inhaled. But instead of the destruction I had expected, it
chose another form. I felt my shields reconstruct themselves, and the
large hole that had been blown in them repaired itself. It found the
connection to Nick’s mind that I’d tried to close off, and pried it open
again. Then it coiled around it, sealing itself to our respective
shields. I had the feeling it was now a permanent fixture and I winced
inwardly. Nick was not going to be happy about that. I’d felt his
disgust at the thought of me being in his mind.
He was still alive, though, and that was all that really mattered right
now. And for some reason, so was I. The remaining tension in my
body seeped out, and I collapsed against him, breathing hard. * God, I’d
nearly…I really am a monster. * I started
shaking again. I could still feel it pulsing through my body, just under
the surface. I had some control over it, but it was no longer contained
within my mind. It was biding its time. If my anger flared up again
right now, November was toast. We’d go up in a blaze of glory that B.D.N
himself would be envious of. I curled up against him, head against his
heart. Its beat was frantic, echoing my own, but slowly, they steadied
out together. * If only I could stay like this forever. *
Then Nick lifted my chin up and kissed me. Again.
* Scratch that, I want to stay like this forever! *
I gasped. After the painful rejection, and the hell I’d just
experienced, this was a heaven-sent surprise. I had never expected…but
oh, I’d hoped. I’d even dared to dream; the few times my subconscious
allowed me anything as relaxing as a dream, anyways. But not even the
sweetest dream could have compared to this reality. I kissed him back,
letting the pleasure I was feeling erase all the pain. And it wasn’t just
my pleasure; I could feel Nick’s, too. As it built higher, escalating to
the point of rapture, and the power shifted yet again, I let myself believe that
this could last forever. It was better than thinking about what
had almost happened.
My mind felt raw, exposed. For so long, I’d kept it closed off, only
opening just wide enough to let Rem in if I ever
found her. But then Nick…And then I’d gone and left myself wide
open. I’d been so stupid, singing that song when he was so close, but I
had no idea he would react like that. Had no idea that
he could project like that. But I should have. And now…I had
no secrets from him. It was terrifying, but I couldn’t bring myself to
close the link off. Even if I could have, I wouldn’t have wanted
to. It had been so long…I reveled in the feel of another mind next to
mine. Close enough to touch. Just the knowledge that I could was
enough to ease some of the loneliness that had haunted me all these years like
an empty echo.
Nick pulled me closer, held me tighter, and I shivered deliciously. It
would be so very easy to get used to this. It stirred my sluggish blood,
along with the energy I’d unleashed inside my body. I felt it spark
through my veins with every brush of his breath against me, and my heartbeat
picked up again. He stared at me while we kissed,
indigo eyes almost black now, and the burning went lower. God, how had
this happened? It had all been so quick;
I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around it. Why had it done what it
did?
The only thing I could think of, the only possible explanation, was pure
chemistry. When molecules form bonds they give off energy. What we
had done had given off a hell of a lot of energy, and it wanted to go
somewhere. For some reason, it had sublimated from destruction to
something else, and fixing our shields hadn’t even put a dent in it. It
wanted release, and it wanted it now, and with the way my body was tingling I
had a feeling I knew exactly what had to happen to diffuse the incendiary bomb
sitting in my gut. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I probably
couldn’t move even if I tried, I would have pounced Nick right in the middle of
the street.
“Let’s sing a different song, okay?” Nick smiled again as he got shakily
to his feet, and it startled a laugh out of me. It was a
worn-out-and-dragged-through-the-ringer kind of laugh, but real
nonetheless. I’d gotten my wish. Granted, I’d had to go through
hell and back, but I’d just seen him smile at me twice within the space of a
few…minutes? Hours? ‘Let’s sing a different song, okay?’ Indeed. Never again
would I be able to sing that song without thinking of him. It wasn’t Rem’s song any more.
“Yeah. Sounds like a plan to me.” I
attempted to get to my feet, and remembered that my limbs weren’t quite up to
the task just yet. I looked up at Nick and held out a hand to him.
That was twice now that I’d had to ask for his help. He smirked as he
grabbed hold of my wrist, and I had a millisecond to be anxious about that
smirk before he yanked, causing me to overbalance. He caught me of
course, but I had just been taken in by one of the oldest tricks in the
book. I blinked stupidly at him for a few seconds, not quite believing
that not only had Nick done something like that but I’d fallen for it. Literally. He took the opportunity to kiss me again,
before wrapping an arm around my waist and propelling us down the street,
totally oblivious to the fact that his kiss had set me on fire. Again.
As we walked, it occurred to me that I was on my way to a hotel with another
man. * If only Rem could see me now. * I leaned against Nick’s shoulder and smiled faintly
at the thought. She would have been happy to see me happy, I think.
And I was happy. Turned on like I couldn’t believe, exhausted and wrung-out, but
still happy.
My limbs still weren’t quite cooperating by the time we reached the hotel, so
once again we were stumbling around like a couple of drunks. It was like
déjà vu, only…not. Hopefully, tonight would end quite a bit differently
from last night. I shuddered lightly again, feeling a small wave of pure
heat run through me. I could almost feel my eyes sparking again. * Nng, this is not good. I cannot lose it again. * At least the anger I had halfway understood.
But this tormenting sensation was completely new to me, and I had the feeling
that the only way to get rid of it was…that. With
Nick. * Oh God, what have I done… * My
body kept radiating heat like the desert sands at noon. I was probably
projecting enough waves to produce a mirage. Nick didn’t seem to mind,
though. Every now and then, he’d sneak a look at me, and smile
slightly. And every time he did, another wave of heat would ripple
through me. I also kept getting little snippets and flashes of thought,
but what came through most was emotion. I only hoped he wasn’t getting my thoughts and emotions as well,
because if he had even an inkling of what was running through my head…
I could feel some trepidation, which seemed to come from the idea of the link
itself. But this soon faded into reassurance and…relief. So he
wasn’t angry about it. * Thank God. * There was curiosity,
and then a full thought came across.
+That must have been why I didn’t recognize it at first. That,
or…+ Oops, he must have accidentally sent that to me. But I
didn’t think his thought had been directed at me. Wanting to clue him in
to the fact that he was ‘broadcasting,’ I interrupted.
* Recognize what? *
+You heard that?+ I tried not to smile.
Oh, this was going to be very interesting indeed. He would need a whole
different kind of shielding if even thinking about me meant his thoughts
arrowed in my direction. But first things first…
* Yes. But, what didn’t you recognize? *
+Your...voice, I guess. I didn’t recognize it right away. It didn’t
sound like you.+
*Oh...* Strange. I frowned. * But
you sound like you. * Nick ‘shrugged’.
+I’d rather not dwell on the particulars at the moment. Right now we need
to get you back to the hotel. Agreed?+ Under
this was a current of sub thought, +Vash still looked about ready to collapse. He needed
to lie down and rest.+ * Oh, you have no idea what I need right now, but that will work for
starters. *
* Mm. Sounds good. Very good. * That was what actually went through. I had sub thoughts too, but I was skilled enough to keep him from getting most of it. He gave me another sideways look, though, which made me wonder if he had, indeed, caught the rest of what I’d been thinking. *Naaaaahh. *